DADDY’S BOY…THE ACCIDENTAL PRESIDENT…SELLING LIES AND FEAR TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC….SCANDAL! SCANDAL! SCANDAL!...WHO IS STEERING THIS SHIP?...THE DEATH OF THE GREAT EMPIRE!
President Bush is perhaps the most religious man to ever lead the free world. He believes in the rapture where the pure and righteous are sucked up by God to sit at His right hand, leaving the selfish and wicked to battle Satan’s armies on doomsday. As a degenerate liberal, there is no room for me in the seven firmaments of heaven. Since Bush will live on in eternity, I will never have the privilege of writing my dream assignment- his obituary. So, in the spirit of Hunter S. Thompson’s obituary for Richard Nixon, I decided to write President Bush’s preemptively. I hope Mr. Bush doesn’t mind, he never seemed to have a problem with preemption anyway…
Crawford, Texas. President Bush is dead and the country is better for it. Bush ironically died at his ranch in Texas, the place where he dug his own nation’s grave by spending a record setting number of vacation days away from the political horrors looming back in Washington. He was an incompetent leader, a liar and an arrogant fool who jeopardized the security of this country and sacrificed our good standing with the international community. He was the ugly American who peed in the streets, upset the locals and got a little too loud and obnoxious when he was drinking. He turned the White House into a Corporate HQ and the country will never be the same.
Bush was the very antithesis of the American Dream. He was the type of man who would trip you as the bear approaches before taking off in the opposite direction, then stand at a podium and praise your heroic self-sacrifice. Horatio Alger would have reeled back in disgust at Bush’s devious rise to the top, which was actually a short and smooth road to haul for Mr. Bush. He was the son of a king and he took some easy steps over a few dead bodies to get to the summit. Those carcasses were, among other things, our nation’s sacred history of having our Throne be voted for, not inherited, the Texas Rangers, and the credibility of the Supreme Court after its Justices served Bush the presidency on a silver platter. Who knows how many toes Bush stepped on with his diamond-crusted bootstraps?
On the day of Bush’s inauguration, the parade up Pennsylvania Avenue towards the Capitol looked more like a scene out of the battle zone the President was about to create in Baghdad. Thousands of protesters, representing the majority of the country who did not vote for Bush, threw eggs and cursed at the presidential limousine as it sped by. One man held up a large sign that read “Lord Help Us.” Machiavelli himself could not have written a truer protest sign.
The nation collectively inhaled as Bush took the oath at his inauguration on the steps of the Capital. He solemnly swore, “I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.” Lies! Perjury! Bush only upheld the first part of his oath by acting as the executioner of the office of the President. He must have crossed his bloody fingers behind his back during the second promise. No President in the history of this country has been more disastrous to the sanctity of our constitution. Warrentless wiretaps, the death of habeas corpus for the “enemy combatants” at Guantanamo, the redefining of torture under the Geneva Conventions, tracking of financial records, and the outing of Valerie Plame are just some of the terrors that Bush leaves in his disastrous wake.
When the Twin Towers were hit, the nation got a chance to see how this man responds in a crisis. Andy Card whispered into his ear that “the country is under attack,” and the President sucked his thumb like a coward for seven minutes before taking action. It seemed that the Presidency had just become all too real for Baby Bush, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights in his nation’s time of need. It was the height of incompetence. In an age of nuclear war, the man in charge of The Button cannot afford to hesitate for seven seconds, much less seven minutes, before acting on a threat. It would have been a more rational reaction to start flailing around in front of those first graders, wild-eyed and screaming doomsday prophesies while shoving the little buggers under their desks. He should have been impeached for that display of hesitation alone.
Then came he Fear. Carefully calculated and manufactured lies about weapons of mass destruction, mushroom clouds, anthrax, mobile weapons labs, duct tape, terror alerts, and other meaningless threats to paralyze the American people into a state of Catatonic Terror. As the Fear dragged on, Americans began to wonder who the real terrorist in that grim equation was. But…we couldn’t question him, what if he was right? What if the smoking gun would be in the form of a mushroom cloud?
Yes sir! We were going to war all right. It was just a matter of which Arab was going to be the fall guy. Somebody had to die for our sins. Someone had to pay! There were intolerable vibrations in this country, and our blood-thirst had to be quenched before things got really nasty.
It was oil and vengeance that sealed the fate for Iraq. It was the ultimate revenge fantasy. The son avenges his father’s honor and emerges vindicated, drenched in crude petroleum, with the saga broadcasted into the homes of the American public 24/7 by some of the most ruthless folks in the media.
More problems followed.
As the Administration stumbled forward, we started to witness the terrible upshot of Bush’s intellectual insecurity. In crippling bouts of paranoia, President Bush decided to surround himself with people dumber than he was. It was a dangerous kind of lunacy, like taking shots with your cabbie.
In scandal after scandal, the incompetence of the Bush appointees came to light. Leaks, missing email records, resignations, vicious partisan bickering, and questionable firings of US attorneys all showed how far the country had sunk. We then started to realize that this much damage cannot be accomplished by one man, Bush was just the blind minion. It was Cheney that was the evil wizard pulling the levers behind the curtain.
Ahhh…madness and senseless finger pointing. I knew I would get into some heavy hyperbole in this obituary. But my hatred for Bush does not clear him of any accountability or erase his dreadful stamp on some of the worst examples of leadership in American history. He was the key player in the death of this Great Empire. Now the country that once was…ruined by corporate greed and policy decisions stemming from a lethal combination of ignorance and arrogance.
Somewhere buried in the ruins of the World Trade Center Towers, is a once free and proud nation. Forsaken by the puppet that was steering it, Bush will go down in history as the bumbling captain of the sinking ship, denying that the boat was taking on any water until we were up to our necks. To his death he stayed true to his defining characteristic of being stubborn in his beliefs when facts suggested he should think otherwise. Bush tirelessly looked forward with great optimism…I think we are all doomed.
